13th September 2010
Dear Mr Turley,
Thank you for getting back to me. Please find below a shocking email I received from one of Mr Hawker’s employees providing first-hand account of abuse of his pheasants. The details are quite startling and I assume this is more than sufficient evidence for the RSPB to pay him a visit.
Yours,
P Chianta
Dear Mr Chianta,
Yes I work for Mr Hawker and I just hope he isn’t reading this somehow because if he found out that I was writing to you like this he would surely sack me.
It is as you feared: the abuse of pheasants at the pheasant farm is widespread. Here are some specific examples of abuse:
1. Hawker himself enjoys kicking the pheasants around, sometimes he bowls them “like bowling balls”, he says, using the other pheasants as sort of skittles. Nobody really watches him bowl.
2. Sometimes he makes us stuff the pheasants while they’re still alive so they have to go their whole life stuffed waiting to be killed and cooked if you can imagine such a thing.
3. Sometimes he plucks a pheasant so it’s all bald.
4. If he comes home drunk he will take a trip to the pheasant coop, sneak up on one particular sleeping pheasant and then scream WAKE UP!!! in the pheasant’s ear. One pheasant died from fright at this and Hawker still ate him.
5. He keeps baby pheasants in his pocket and takes them out to squeeze them when he’s thinking hard about something, and he does a lot of thinking.
6. He once chloroformed a pheasant and then drove it out to South End in his Lamborghini.
7. He once posted a pheasant to South End.
8. Once he brought a baby pheasant to a rock concert and held it next to the speaker.
9. He says all the time that he hates pheasants and he’d “love to see them all wiped off the face of this earth”.
10. He drew a Tom Selleck style moustache on one pheasant and kept him apart from the rest.
11. He buckled an old female pheasant into the passenger seat of his Lamborghini and took her for a joyride so that she nearly had a heart attack.
12. He left an old female pheasant in his Lamborghini all night without any food or water.
13. He kept one pheasant flying for ages above the ground – he calls this “albatrossing”.
14. Once he brought a baby pheasant to a rock concert and gave it to the band without any advice of how to look after it.
Most crucially, he keeps saying “The RSPB will never come and investigate me, boys, we can do what we bloody well like with these ridiculous pheasants!” He says this all the time, so you can imagine I was RELIEVED to receive your email. Please do NOT mention my name as he would definitely sack me or worse if he knew!
Good luck!
[NAME REMOVED]
Employee, Hawker Pheasant Farm
